Spicy Weapons Program

Our intelligence has shown that this has been a concerted research effort, with the Indian military using Indian restaurants across the world as testing sites. Lamb Vindaloo and Chicken Jalfrezi are two dishes that have been cited as being so unnecessarily spicy that only a secret military chili weapons program could explain it.

- Leon Panetta, CIA Director [Langley, VA]

The real secret weapon we are developing is the glass of Pepsi that we will serve to the terrorists, after we have thrown the chili grenade at them.

- R.B. Srivastava, Scientist at Defence Research Development Organization [New Delhi, India]



[Source: Original Article]

Playboy For Kids

At last, the Kids On Demand channel is as advertised.

- R. Kelly [Chicago, IL]

I thought it was Hannah Montana for the first five minutes...until I realized it had a decent plot.

- Josh McGee, Age 5 [Cary, NC]




[Source: Original Article]

Ex-Congressman Faces 'Ticklegate'

I should've known something was wrong when the employee handbook Massa gave to all the aides started with: "Rule No. 1, you don't talk about tickle fight club. Rule No. 2, you don't talk about tickle fight club..."

- Herbert McGee, former aide to Rep. Massa [Washington, DC]

"Tickle fights." Riiiiiight. And I loved playing pattycake in the Oval Office. LOL.

- Bill Clinton [Chappaqua, New York]

[Source: Original Article]

'Fundamental Rights' in the Information Age

The "certain unalienable rights" were supposed to be "Life, Liberty, the pursuit of Happiness, and free Hulu," but Ben Franklin was being such an old geezer about it and made me take it out. I bet that dinosaur still uses Friendster.

-Thomas Jefferson [Monticello, Virginia]

WTF is a Hulu?

-Benjamin Franklin [Philadelphia, Pennsylvania]

[Source: Original Article]

Oscars Update

Great idea, Sandra! I'll be putting my two Oscars next to the framed copy of my divorce papers from James Cameron.

- Kathryn Bigelow [Los Angeles, California]

"We would like to commend Sandra on a courageous performance, where she really stepped out of her comfort zone to play a rich, snarky, white woman from the South.

- The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences [Los Angeles, California]

I'm so proud that you've finally been recognized for your work...wildcat. Mwahahahaha.

- Howard Payne, Dennis Hopper's character from Speed [Los Angeles, California]

[Source: Original Article]

Larry King Live

I should demand respect, instead you mock me. I am truly a legend in the media world, being one of the few people who has had first hand experience with both the Amazon Kindle, and Johannes Gutenberg's first printing press.

- Larry King [Atlanta, GA]




[Source: Original Article]

Brooklyn's Finest

13-month old Billy McGee, pictured here with the fake ID he attempted to use, was suprised when he was prevented from entering the 4th Avenue Pub with his father.

I applaud these folks for their amazing parenting skills.

- Joe Namath, Former Jets Quarterback [New York, NY]

That baby is sulking more than I was the last time I was in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. She's surrounded by savages and supporters of clean energy legislation, who could blame her?

- Bill O'Reilly, Fox News Commentator and Professional D-bag [New York, NY]



[Source: Original Article]

Paradinha Controversy

This is so lame. Accusing Brazilians of cheating when they use the paradinha is an insult to all those who have ever performed bordeline insane sh-- on the field. Give me a call when someone uses their fist to score a goal.

- Maradona [Buenos Aires, Argentina]



[Source: Original Article]

iWork (Children's Edition)

15 years old! What, is Steve Jobs sub-contracting his manufacturing to nursing homes?

- Mark Parker, CEO of Nike [Portland, OR]



[Source: Original Article]

Microsoft EU Settlement

I urge people to stop using Microsoft's Internet Explorer at once. Fight the man, and support small enterprises and grassroots organizations, by using Apple's Safari browser. Stevie Jobs runs this tiny, $50 Billion startup out of his garage in Cupertino, California.

- Random NYU Grad Student [New York, NY]



[Source: Original Article]

Russian Olympic Pride

I promise the world that at this very moment, as we speak, Yevgeny Plushenko is definitely not being held captive in the basement of the Kremlin for losing the gold medal to that American devil, Evan Lysacek, upon my request.

- Vladimir Putin [Moscow, Russia]

Great, I've always wanted to meet the Russian hockey team!

- Alexandr Solzhenitsyn [Siberia, Russia]




[Source: Original Article]

Just One More Thing

This is much better than my first marriage. I got married at a Microsoft store, and afterwards my husband kept getting all these weird viruses.

- Samantha [Phoenix, AZ]

Hey, you're all invited to my wedding. It'll be at the Burning Man Festival!

- Richard, UNIX user [Waltham, MA]


[Source: Original Article]

Canadian Hockey Update

And when the wind blows hard and the sky is black - Ducks fly together!

- Gordon Bombay [Minneapolis, MN]

God, you're such a f---ing diva.

- Wolf "The Dentist" Stansson, Coach of Team Iceland at the Junior Goodwill Games [Reykjavik, Iceland]


[Source: Original Article]

Midwest Update

Cleveland Rocks Sucks

Damn, he looks pretty happy. I gotta get myself to Cleveland.

- Billy Bob [Montgomery, Alabama]


[Source: Original Article]

Queens Style Discipline

Um, actually we don’t really hang out with Lex, so not sure why she’s writing our names on her desk saying we’re friends. Awkwaaaaard.

- Abby and Faith, Alleged Friends of the Accused [Queens, NY]


[Source: Original Article]

McGwire Returns To MLB

This should be a boon for the chemical and bioengineering sectors of our economy. Very timely.

- President Obama [Washington, D.C.]


[Source: Original Article]

Going For The Gold

Take it from me, having two gold medals in the family is definitely nice...especially when you're trying to pawn them off for meth.

- Andre Agassi [Las Vegas, NV]


[Source: Original Article]